I am an addict – drugs, alcohol, pretty much anything with the potential to get addicted to. I didn’t grow up wanting or even thinking that my life would go the way it has, and I definitely didn’t want to be a drug addict when I grew up. Life happens, and it happened very painfully for me. After being sexually abused in childhood, and then stuck in what seemed an inescapable period of sexual abuse by a family member, I turned to drinking and drugs. I used to make life livable enough not to kill myself – I had family and friends I loved and did not want to hurt, but the pain was too great. I started drinking at 10 and by the time I was in high school, I was a full-blown drug addict, and I knew it. It was the only life I knew and then only way the pain didn’t overcome me.
The longer I kept the secret, the more ashamed I became and the more like a monster I felt. The worse I felt, the more I used and when it came to drugs and alcohol, the harder the drug, the larger the dose, the better it was. I couldn’t be around my family because I knew seeing me deteriorating would hurt them, so over time I had a virtually nonexistent relationship with my family. I got in trouble at schools, lost my family, my reputation, and some friends. The more I hurt, the more I used. Eventually, things got bad. Even though my grades were good and I looked good on paper, I was broken.
I had been injecting drugs for 3 years and my parents found out. They sent me to treatment, and even though I eventually relapsed, it showed me life could be different. I got into the rooms of a 12-Step Program and felt at home for the first time in a very long time. I felt alive again. However, all the education and drug classes couldn’t outweigh the yearning for that high, and when I strayed from my support system – the program, therapy, friends in recovery, and other resources in Burke County, I got high.
Today, I am almost 2 years clean and sober. I am in my early 20s and I still have fun. My friends love me and show up for me. I have a relationship with my family and it’s real. I don’t hurt the people I love anymore. Most importantly, I don’t feel broken, dead, and numb. I’ve worked the steps of a 12-Step Program, and I have a sponsor and all that is suggested by the program. I am in school and some of my dreams are coming true, while others are finally within reach. I have a psychologist and I take medications for my mental health issues. I have fun and give back to the people who helped me come back to life. Most of all, I don’t hate myself, my life, or feel like I have to hide from the world. I can just be me and that has glued together all those broken pieces; I’m whole.
-From your deepest wounds, come your greatest gifts- ~ SShare on Twitter Share on Facebook